What compelled them to declare a thirteenth sign called Ophiuchus and then issue fresh dates for the twelve zodiac signs as a result of their "research?"

After comparing the birthdates of every Olympic winner since the modern Games began in 1896, British statistician Mitchell discovered gold MEDALS really are written in the stars.

So Mr Cainer, what will you tell your readers now that scientists have proved that there's a new zodiac sign and that the other signs now have different dates?